Boldly I Approach: November 2014

Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel it might be safer to just lock yourself into a room, so you don't have to worry about anything else bad happening? This week was one of those weeks. After returning from an amazing trip to Africa and feeling high on God's gifts and spiritually and emotionally refreshed, I was brought to my knees by life's sometimes harsh reality.

It is hard for me to openly express my struggles when I work in a place where people are suffering and parents are losing battles with protecting their children. I am constantly reminded it could always be worse, in fact this week was one of those weeks. I spent 4 long 12 hour shifts fighting for healing, and in the midst of that chaos I was struggle to keep my own head above the water.

It has been a week full of disappointment, anxiety and sadness. I am sitting in the midst of the unknown and it sucks. No that isn't a very eloquent word, but it's all I've got and it describes this place I am in pretty well. I am faced with some pretty big decisions about the future and honestly I am not in the mood to make them right now. The last few weeks I had finally made some difficult choices which allowed me to take back some control in my life, to find balance. And just as soon as I started breathing normally again, I was met with a swift kick to the gut. Can somebody bring me some oxygen?

One of my friends at work told me about a blog/devotional called She Reads Truth. I opened it up today and found a post about Naomi from the book of Ruth. It talks about what an awful place Naomi was in and how she was having a hard time seeing past her tragedy and current circumstance. Her soul was weary. She was tired. It says this:

Ruth 1:19-21

19 So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, “Is this Naomi?” 20 She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”

That is exactly how I feel this week. I went away (from Africa) full and now I am empty. I am fighting anger, resentment, bitterness, heart breaking sadness, self worth and rejection. All of those feelings are sucking the life out of me and leaving me empty.

The post on She Reads Truth goes on to say how God names us blessed, beloved and redeemed and those names remain true even when our circumstances don't. The author reminded me that God is in control of my past, my present and my future and has a plan for me, His plan. He is just as mighty in my sorrow and affliction as he is in my celebration and successfulness. She writes "circumstances change, but they do not change our God." It was a beautiful reminder to me today to be still and know He is present. That in this time of feeling lonely and rejected and questioning again whether or not I am enough. I am enough. I am His. He named me beloved and that I shall always be.

While I was in Africa, on one of the nights I was feeling confronted with my self worth, I came across a devotional in our trip guide. It was about the word beloved. It said beloved is a word God has given to "each of us as we journey through this life-this life where we are often tempted to believe we have no value." That if we could truly believe this idea it would change everything about us and we would be free. We are totally loved and accepted by the God who created us, irregardless of life's current circumstance, no matter how messy, ugly or broken they are. Beloved is a word that offers hope and identity. A word that anchors us to the Almighty and promises us we are loved.

So today, in the midst of the unknown, feeling broken and anxious I will cling on to the name He has given me and find comfort in the stillness, resting in His love for me. I will continue to work on that being enough for me. It is a daily battle, but one I know is worth fighting.

Tuesday October 21st & Wednesday October 22nd-

Tuesday and Wednesday were amazing and hard. We split up into groups both of those days to allow some of the team members to work in the clinic and others to visit schools or do home visits. I was lucky enough to be able to go to the schools both days. Rob, our trip leader, knew how much being with those kids meant to me and gave up his spot on Wednesday just so I could go again. I am a pediatric nurse. It is part of how I define myself and my worth. Worthiness came up so much on this trip and weighed heavy on my heart these two days. You see, during our meetings to prepare for this trip we talked a lot about things we would do, patients we would help and what skills people had etc. I felt a little under-prepared to serve the adult population we would encounter mainly because I haven't cared for an actual adult since nursing school. We were assured numerous times during our meetings that specialty area didn't really matter. Anyone could do any of the jobs. In fact, the three doctors going were all specialized. A neonatologist, a pediatrician and a perinatologist and all three would see patients from all walks of life and they were dang good at it I might add. We also had non medical people on the team and they would also be able to help clinically and were, of course, amazing. Despite Rob's best efforts to ensure me I would have a lot to offer the team, I worried. So, when Rob told us we would be going into the schools to listen to all of the kids hearts and lungs I was ecstatic. I could do that I offered and I would be good at it.

The first school visit on Tuesday was a whirlwind. We were pressed for time, but even still, we screened 268 kids in 2 hours. At each classroom we listened to each kids heart and lungs and screened their heads for ringworm. They pretty much all had ringworm, but only the worse cases got medicine for it. While we were screening the kids another group started preparing the meds. We had the easy job. These guys were busting their butts trying to rapidly prepare and disseminate medicine for all of the kids in each class. It was mass chaos. Each child and their teacher got a multi vitamin. All of the kids got de-worming medicine and most of them got a weeks worth of antifungal for the ringworm. They also had to educate each teacher on how to give the medicines, because it would be their responsibility. We made it through 7 classes before we ran out of time. We were able to screen all 8 classes, but we weren't able to finish handing out all of the medications. We had to get back to the clinic to pick up the rest of the team and we couldn't be late. We did not want to leave and Abraham, our 410 Kenya guide, nearly had to drag us out of there. It was a terrible feeling not being able to pass out the meds for all of the kids. We just needed a few more minutes, but we couldn't have them. It felt so unfair and like we had let down the kids. The feelings I was having were similar to the ones I had on Monday when we told that Mom there was nothing for us to offer her baby. It just wasn't fair. Several of us really struggled to focus on what we had accomplished and not be upset about what was left undone. Dr Wendy assured us, once again, it wasn't about the medicine really, it was about the relationships and the connections. It is so hard as a clinician to let go of "fixing" everything and I really struggled with that throughout this trip. So much so at times I think I might have missed out a little. I think God was trying to get me to slow down and connect. To take in the beauty of what was happening around me. To humble myself. To accept that I am enough, not because I am a good nurse or because someone affirms me for doing a job well, but just because I am His. On this day when I was really struggling I finally just went outside to take in the beauty around me and pull myself back together. When I did this I was quickly greeted by a gaggle of Ngaamban children whose smiles reminded me of why we were there. I spent the rest of that day in the dirt surrounded by these precious children, painting faces, singing, taking pictures and being silly. These kids didn't care what my qualifications were or what I had accomplished, they just wanted to connect. So I gave in and let go. In those moments none of the other stuff mattered. I stopped being so hard on myself and just enjoyed loving on these amazing kids. It was one of my favorite parts of the trip and it had nothing to do with medicine, fancy that.

Our second school visit on Wednesday went a little more smoothly than Tuesday because we came up with a more efficient system for getting the medicine passed out. This school, named Tzebini, was in a more remote part of Ngammba. We had to hike through a dried out riverbed to get to it. We saw some pretty amazing landscape and I can even say now I climbed in Africa. In the rainy season this river bed floods making passage to and from school treacherous. It was pretty humbling as well to see women carrying water and everything else their family might need over this terrain. At this school I met a little boy named Jackson who decided with me we should have a dance party outside. This made my day. He reminded me of my Jackson with his feisty attitude and abundance of energy and joy. I have a great video of him dancing and it has quickly become my Jack's favorite of the trip. For my CICU friends reading I did hear a murmur on a girl that appeared to be benign and found a kid with a fast heart rate. We ended up asking her to come to the clinic the following day so we could follow up. Her heart rate was still high when she came to the clinic, so she will be referred for follow up with The 410 Bridges' help. That definitely felt good.

It was hard to believe as Wednesday came to a close our time at the clinic was done. It really felt like we had just started. At the end of our clinic day the Ngaambans held a closing ceremony of sorts in our honor. Just like the day we arrived they expressed their gratitude for our service and time. The highlight of that time for my teammates was when one of the councilman saw me crying and stopped his speech to say "don't cry little one." He pulled me into the center of the circle and held me tight, very tight. He held my head in his hands and comforted me, assuring me we would meet again. Despite the awkwardness of the closeness to his armpit and his tight grip, it was pretty awesome. My teammates all stood by snapping pictures of it as it went down. The situation brought a lot of laughter over our remaining days to my team....at my expense. In fact, one of them told the guy I was their gift to him as a joke and then seeing my distress Dr Tim told him, no really you have to give her back. I was thankful for the laughter. It was even more funny, because the guy had introduced himself using his Ngaamban name which meant "big guy" essentially and I was kanini. We made the perfect pair.

I know I probably keep saying this, but this experience was such a gift. I learned so much and can't wait to do it all over again. I know I will use what I learned on this trip to help me become more connected next time, to put the relationships as the priority and not worry so much on what we can fix or can't fix. While the issues surrounding worthiness were painful to experience and left me feeling raw, I am grateful God opened my eyes and did so in a place where I was surrounded by people who loved me and was reminded of His presence every where I looked.