Have you ever had one of those weeks where you feel it might be safer to just lock yourself into a room, so you don't have to worry about anything else bad happening? This week was one of those weeks. After returning from an amazing trip to Africa and feeling high on God's gifts and spiritually and emotionally refreshed, I was brought to my knees by life's sometimes harsh reality.
It is hard for me to openly express my struggles when I work in a place where people are suffering and parents are losing battles with protecting their children. I am constantly reminded it could always be worse, in fact this week was one of those weeks. I spent 4 long 12 hour shifts fighting for healing, and in the midst of that chaos I was struggle to keep my own head above the water.
It has been a week full of disappointment, anxiety and sadness. I am sitting in the midst of the unknown and it sucks. No that isn't a very eloquent word, but it's all I've got and it describes this place I am in pretty well. I am faced with some pretty big decisions about the future and honestly I am not in the mood to make them right now. The last few weeks I had finally made some difficult choices which allowed me to take back some control in my life, to find balance. And just as soon as I started breathing normally again, I was met with a swift kick to the gut. Can somebody bring me some oxygen?
One of my friends at work told me about a blog/devotional called She Reads Truth. I opened it up today and found a post about Naomi from the book of Ruth. It talks about what an awful place Naomi was in and how she was having a hard time seeing past her tragedy and current circumstance. Her soul was weary. She was tired. It says this:
Ruth 1:19-21
19 So the two of them went on until they came to Bethlehem. And when they came to Bethlehem, the whole town was stirred because of them. And the women said, “Is this Naomi?” 20 She said to them, “Do not call me Naomi; call me Mara, for the Almighty has dealt very bitterly with me. 21 I went away full, and the Lord has brought me back empty. Why call me Naomi, when the Lord has testified against me and the Almighty has brought calamity upon me?”
That is exactly how I feel this week. I went away (from Africa) full and now I am empty. I am fighting anger, resentment, bitterness, heart breaking sadness, self worth and rejection. All of those feelings are sucking the life out of me and leaving me empty.
The post on She Reads Truth goes on to say how God names us blessed, beloved and redeemed and those names remain true even when our circumstances don't. The author reminded me that God is in control of my past, my present and my future and has a plan for me, His plan. He is just as mighty in my sorrow and affliction as he is in my celebration and successfulness. She writes "circumstances change, but they do not change our God." It was a beautiful reminder to me today to be still and know He is present. That in this time of feeling lonely and rejected and questioning again whether or not I am enough. I am enough. I am His. He named me beloved and that I shall always be.
While I was in Africa, on one of the nights I was feeling confronted with my self worth, I came across a devotional in our trip guide. It was about the word beloved. It said beloved is a word God has given to "each of us as we journey through this life-this life where we are often tempted to believe we have no value." That if we could truly believe this idea it would change everything about us and we would be free. We are totally loved and accepted by the God who created us, irregardless of life's current circumstance, no matter how messy, ugly or broken they are. Beloved is a word that offers hope and identity. A word that anchors us to the Almighty and promises us we are loved.
So today, in the midst of the unknown, feeling broken and anxious I will cling on to the name He has given me and find comfort in the stillness, resting in His love for me. I will continue to work on that being enough for me. It is a daily battle, but one I know is worth fighting.
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