Today is the day. In less than 12 hours I will board a plane with Africa as the final destination. Am I ready? Kind of. I am ready to be with the Ngaambans and to do amazing things with my team, but if I told you I was leaving with 100% confidence and no fear about anything I would be lying. I am trying to be faithful and trust Him and His plan, but that is no easy feat. There is a lot of noise lately surrounding travel and Africa and that noise is clouding my mind with anxiety, fear and restlessness. Even as I sit in my silent house, which is rarely ever quiet, I can hardly hear over the "what if" thoughts racing through my brain. Did I make the right decision? Am I being irresponsible leaving my child? If something happens will my family ever forgive me? Will Jackson? I know having these kind of thoughts is not productive, but the fears are real and today I am trying to silence them. You should see the looks on some people's faces when I say I am going to Africa? It is like I just told them I was going to slather myself in blood and jump into a pool of hungry great white sharks. Don't worry everybody, I will wear my shark suit. I know part of the reason I felt called to do this trip was because God wants me to learn how to be in His moment and listen. He wants me to be reminded, gently, the control lies in His hands and not my own. He wants me to know my strength lies in Him and He knows my heart. I know I am supposed to be on this trip and I know it will be amazing. I know it is a risk, but I don't want to live the safe life. I want to teach Jack that incredible things can happen when you take a risk and step outside of your comfort zone. I want him to learn to give himself to those in need, even when it is difficult and scary. I want him to have the confidence to know he is capable of making a difference and know it is ok for him to go out and do it. I want those things for my own life too.
So here I sit for a few more minutes in the comfort of my home, with my cup of coffee. I will allow myself a few more minutes to be in the quiet. I will not be overcome by fear or let anxiety pollute my mind. I will find strength in God and the amazing people who make up my team and put my faith in His hands. Time to be bold for the daring adventure awaits.
Alison, I am Rob's wife and he shared your blog with me this morning and I just had to reply.,... thanks for your deep musings...i am going to Kenya in Nov and even though I've been many times, I still feel the same way you do, which you have reminded me is a great place to be, because it puts us in a state of total dependence on God, not that we aren't there every moment of every day but somehow when we jump out of our comfort zone, we feel it more intensely. So thank you for the reminder of all the wonderful ways God meets us in that place...you've encouraged me and given me courage to step forth once again into the risky place and enjoy every difficult and wonderful minute. Praying for YOU that He will show up in surprisingly loving ways my friend.
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